Millennial fathers spend, on average, triple the amount of time with their children compared to dads in the 1960s. It’s no straightforward golden age – parenting today is for many a complex juggle – but the shift in roles has been profound, with children and society poised to benefit. In this series, we meet two men who are dadding differently, and the fatherhood scientist who’s tracking the rise of more involved dads.
Fatherhood in focus #1: Paul Bent, father to Hunter, five
From being mindful of his body language, to choosing positive, empowering language, Paul is determined that his relationship with Hunter will be characterised by trust and safety
Every Sunday, it’s the same drill. Early to the park for football practice. Then on to their favourite cafe for a blueberry muffin (“always blueberry”). Next home, via the shops, to cook lunch together. Afterwards, a spot of tennis (“he insists on calling it ‘racket’!”) or perhaps a few hoops. Maybe some TV later. Then, dinner, bathtime, PJs and a bedtime story.
“Just before Hunter goes to sleep, we have this little two or three-minute conversation, about his day and how he’s feeling,” says Paul Bent, who is father to the five-year-old. “That’s the most special bonding time. That’s our core.”
A 40-year-old regional director of a London-based estate agent, Bent is emblematic of a more hands-on, more invested kind of father figure. One who’s not just physically present but also emotionally available: who’s there to hold his child’s hand when they’re scared at night, to listen to their concerns, who, in short, ‘shows up’ as a dad.
It’s a far cry from generations past. Rewind even a few decades and the differences are stark. Back then, dads worked, they ‘brought home the bacon’. For many children, fathers left the house early, came back late, and perhaps experienced the little childcare they did as burdensome or confusing. The choice these dads felt they had to do things differently is another matter: social conditioning, expectations and circumstances were different then.
Bent’s own father proved a letdown. Separated early on from his mother (“a true superwoman”), his dad remained a peripheral figure throughout his childhood. It’s not the shouting or drunkenness that stays with Bent primarily but the not being there, the not seeming to care.
It’s why today Bent never tells Hunter – who he co-parents with Lauren, his former partner – what activity he has in store for them: just in case something crops up and plans need to change. “So many times, I sat at the window waiting for my dad to turn up because he told me he would and then he wouldn’t,” he recalls. “That heartbreaking disappointment, I just don’t want him [Hunter] to go through that.”
Just before Hunter goes to sleep, we have this little two or three-minute conversation, about his day and how he’s feeling. That’s the most special bonding time.
Paul’s own model of being a dad is, in a way, a 360-degree inversion of the example that he inherited. So, during Lauren’s pregnancy, he was there at the neonatal meetings, the check-ups, the scans (despite finding the passive role assigned to fathers “very frustrating”).
He was there in the hospital ward during Hunter’s difficult birth, putting into practice the hypnobirthing technique she’d dutifully learned. And, now, he’s still there, at the school gates, at the nativity play, on the touchline.
“Growing up, I had to watch my friends’ dads turn up at the football to cheer them on. I can’t remember my dad ever coming,” he recalls. “I think it did impact me, especially when I found out I was going to have a son … I mean, it’s normal to want to ask: ‘Dad, what’s it going to be like?’”
For Bent, and contemporary dads like him, being there for his child is not just about time spent, it’s also about values instilled. Before dropping Hunter off at school, the two quietly repeat their own private mantra: ‘Be kind, be fair, have respect.’ Six simple words, but powerfully effective. Bent proudly recounts a recent football practice, for instance: not because his son scored a winning goal, but because he collected the cones without the coach having to ask.
Another anecdote: “His auntie Lisa came round the other day. She stepped into the house, but she didn’t wipe her feet. And he said: ‘Auntie Lisa, you haven’t wiped your feet. You gotta wipe your feet.’ I just gave him a big hug because it’s something I’ve been modelling.”
| Data | Description |
|---|---|
| 18% | Analysis shows that the amount of time all fathers spend looking after their kids in Britain increased by 18% since 2015, from an average of 47 minutes a day to 55 in 2022 |
| 71% | The average UK dad in the 70s did just 22 minutes of childcare a day. Today, it’s 71 minutes, although mums are still much higher at 162 |
I’m not perfect. I make loads of mistakes, but I try my best
The word ‘modelling’ crops up aplenty in Paul’s conversation. It’s not easy, he admits. Kids are mimics, sponges, mirrors reflecting our own actions back to us. That’s fine when things are going well. Not so much when you find yourself shouting at a thoughtless driver or cursing the tax man. “If I show aggression, he’s just going to do the same,” Bent acknowledges. “It’s a big responsibility.”
He recalls Hunter, then three, asking Paul to put his phone away. “He had obviously realised it was a distraction,” he sighs. “I’m not perfect. I make loads of mistakes, but I try my best.”
If this new parenting malarky sounds like a lot of work, it’s because it is. So, what’s the upside? Just about everything, as Bent sees it. Seeing his son’s smile. Watching him grow. Helping him learn. Nothing beats it, he says. Literally, nothing. Sure, his role will change as Hunter gets older. Friends will vie for his attention. Difficulties, inevitably, will come. But, for now at least, he’s just set on being present, and enjoying the precious bond they’re building.
“What he gives me,” Bent reflects with joy, “is unconditional love.” That’s heartwarming, but also understandable.Kids, after all, are first-rate mimics.
Paul Bent is the author of Hellp! I’m going to be a Dad!, out now
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This article was originally published on Positive.news and was republished here, with permission, under a CC BY-ND 4.0 license. Learn more about third-party content on ZanyProgressive.com.
